So, its kind of funny to think about everything that i do or did to have some sort of control over my life. When in all actuality i don't have any control at all. This whole Borderline thing has complete control over me. It controls how whether i'm manic flying high in mental state making me think that i can do anything and nothing can hurt or effect me or on a crazy downward spiral to hell. Drives me freaking nuts. I never know whether i should fight it or if i just give in and just say here ya mind you can do what you want. You would think that i would know which one i would prefer... Ya know Mania or Depression... in all honesty being manic is the scariest thing in the world. Doing stupid things ya know testing just how hot the fire can get... THe scariest part is that when i am at full blown mania i truly honestly dont care.... I have to have some one constantly keeping tabs on me so i can have some one say "ya know kels its probably a good idea if you dont do that..." or some one to distract me.... I'm not saying that i enjoy being depressed but its more of a i can trust myself more when i'm on the downward spiral... I can catch myself before i hit rock bottom... I can't stop myself when i'm flying sky high i just keep going and going and going and never stop till something bad happens.... If i had my way id be caught in the middle kinda where i am at right now... just barley starting to get manic... but still logical and in control (mostly). O well though... Waddya do except deal with it... all i can say is that i hope i stay at the current state i am through most of summer... I just want to be normal. Not have to battle with the inner demons that seem to know everything and then some about me. I just wanna be Kellsy Kaye... Happy go lucky, safe, logical, fun, and most of all constant.....
maybe some day it'll happen... maybe...
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That was quite a rant Kels! I love you! I know it stinks not being able to control your mood all the time. I am sorry! You are such a great person and we love you dearly!
By the way, we will be around this weekend. Jake will be having his friend birthday party on Saturday. Call me. We would love to have you come visit this weekend, or whenever you can. We are going out of town next weekend, and the next I think, but then we should be back. Call me!
BY THE WAY...LOVE THE TEETH!! YOU PRETTY LITTLE STINKER!
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