I write when i'm bored and unfortunaly i'm bored alot

Sleeping in the Ocean
Staring into somber soulless space;
A decaying mind-muse.
Peaceful, seeping grace and
Gazing night-time views

A calm void of colour-stain.
Unheard voices, unknown motion.
Repressed reflections of pain
Creeping into the bloodless ocean.

Waves pounding, pulling you with the sand
Memories fading at the seashore's command

Lying in a shivering chill,
It's too late, it's too late...
Cold-cut, diseased and ill -
Cured as the Ocean's churn sedates.

Floating to a sea-struck fate,
Glaring into heaven's sky,
It's too late, it's too late, as
Sleeping eyes watch sea-gulls fly

A Dandelions Song

Walking along the path, I spot
A puffy white orb-
a dandelions
a weed
in defiantly more beautiful than its
grassy fellows
endless, identical
to me
I feel akin to this fluffy oddball
i am drawn
childlike
i grasp the delicate stem
bringing it to my lips
make a wish
a prayer
i wish for peace
in the world
in my heart
i wish for love
true love
i wish for direction
hope
i blow with all my being
disperse
miniature whie parachutes
in my mind
i too
detach
in a million different directions
i am
the hopes
the dreams
the prayers
the wishes
of a world
a generation
my peers
my family
myself-
i am blown
carried by a passing breeze
soft, gentle then-
grabbed by a far more violent gust
i fall
tumble
rise
twist
change direction
i have traveled far-
have far yet to travel
not sure how far
I am Not Lost
just searching
for a purpose
a reason
an answer
a place to land
to stay
to take root

*untitled*
A profound complacency,
tranquil serenity,
placid repose.
Purple water and orange sky,
perpetual patterns of hopeful prayers,
the last speck of green on the horizon,
fills each heart with awe.
The sailors' legend
of a half second of spectacular splendor.

A puddle of light in darkness,
a fog filled valley.
Moon shadow and starlight,
fill each crevice with mystery.
Every rise and every fall of earthly undulations,
give way to apprehensive curiosity.
Proportions are distorted,
everyday ordinaries become enchanted marvels.

As I walk along the shadows of hills
so small to the world but to me,
a vast expanse of wonder,
the amazing details are astounding,
for I cannot comprehend the magnitude
of the hand that made nature phenomenal as it is.

The stars scold me as I intrude into their silent ethereal world.
The crunch of the cold grass beneath my step,
the euphoric cacophony of the air in my ears,
a song of love of hate and fear of hope,
screaming at me and I alone.
Alone in the world for a moment,
my moment alone.
Left to contemplate everything or nothing at all,
this night belongs to me.

Sometimes all i really should do is take a deep breath

Soooooo after having a good heart o heart with anna (my counselor) about how stressed out i am about not having control over my life, she made me realize a few things

1. I'm in more control then i realize cuz i handle situations 10 times better then i ever did a few years ago. I can handle them without having to hurt myself by either taking drugs, cutting or just beating myself up in general. Which i do admit that i totally can handle life in a relativily normal manner it usually involves running or kickboxing... thats way more normal then it used to be :)

2. BPD is something that is totally curable... theres just no instant fix for it. Its just something that takes time and trust in people and trust in myself... and i'm working on it... vs what i used to do and that was deny it.

3. Also im no longer afraid to ask for help when i need it. I also around amazing ppl who can read me like a book (not like its hard i wear my emotions on my face) and those people can tell me to knock it the hell off!

4. Most of importantly the fact that i am able to realize when i'm going manic or depression is a huge step toward my recovery.

So i basically have realized that i'll probably be okay.. and that instead of saying why me... i shuld be saying why not me... im tuffer then most ppl i know and can handle whatever the world has to throw at me! so all i have to say is Bring it on world... just freakin bring it!!

: )

just trying to get my thoughts together

So, its kind of funny to think about everything that i do or did to have some sort of control over my life. When in all actuality i don't have any control at all. This whole Borderline thing has complete control over me. It controls how whether i'm manic flying high in mental state making me think that i can do anything and nothing can hurt or effect me or on a crazy downward spiral to hell. Drives me freaking nuts. I never know whether i should fight it or if i just give in and just say here ya mind you can do what you want. You would think that i would know which one i would prefer... Ya know Mania or Depression... in all honesty being manic is the scariest thing in the world. Doing stupid things ya know testing just how hot the fire can get... THe scariest part is that when i am at full blown mania i truly honestly dont care.... I have to have some one constantly keeping tabs on me so i can have some one say "ya know kels its probably a good idea if you dont do that..." or some one to distract me.... I'm not saying that i enjoy being depressed but its more of a i can trust myself more when i'm on the downward spiral... I can catch myself before i hit rock bottom... I can't stop myself when i'm flying sky high i just keep going and going and going and never stop till something bad happens.... If i had my way id be caught in the middle kinda where i am at right now... just barley starting to get manic... but still logical and in control (mostly). O well though... Waddya do except deal with it... all i can say is that i hope i stay at the current state i am through most of summer... I just want to be normal. Not have to battle with the inner demons that seem to know everything and then some about me. I just wanna be Kellsy Kaye... Happy go lucky, safe, logical, fun, and most of all constant.....

maybe some day it'll happen... maybe...

Some pics of my casa

This is my room!! This is our living room
This is our cool craft that we made and put in our entry way!!

What can I say?

I'm slightly addicted!!

Let Freedom RING!!

Rock on!! I got my braces off!! I finally look and feel normal! and i dont have the nasty taste of metal in my mouth!!! Let me know what you think!!!

Forgiving is hard

This is just a rant from me so pay no attention to it!

I hate that i still can't forgive my biological parents for everything that they've done. Every time they come and talk to me i just get frustrated. its like they want to make me mad, I swear that they enjoy seeing me cry...


GAH

And the coutnd down begins!

I get my braces of in 14 days!